Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? A. He's all right now. Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and A. A nervous wreck. Q. What's the difference between roast beef A. Anyone can roast beef. Q. Where do you find a no legged dog? A. Right where you left him. Q. Where do you get virgin wool from? Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. They're trying to get away from the noise. Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes. Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro? A. Fill it with gas. Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors? A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan. You should always give 100% at work...

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? Q. What's the difference between an oral and a Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now? A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff. Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a A. A beer and a mop. Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac? A. Once were worriers. Q. What's a hindu? Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a A. About two - if they're thinly sliced. Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool? Q. What's the difference between a porcupine A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have? A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear. Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping? A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog. Q. Why did the leper crash his A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!what is the best way to clean a pool liner Q. What do you do if an elephantcommercial carpet cleaning price per square foot comes through your window?best way to clean needlepoint Q. Why did the koala fall out of A. Because it was dead. Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower? A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders. Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath? Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the A. Because there was a face off in the corner. Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport? Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?

A. Marking the camels that kick. Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense Q. Why did the tree fall down? A. The koala forgot to let go. Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb? A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark. Q. What do you do if a bird shits A. Don't ask her out again. Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start. Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer? A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once. Q. Why don't cannibals eat A. Because they taste funny. Q. What do you call a deer with(sound like No Idea) no eyes and no legs? A. Still no eye deer. no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs? A. Still no fucking eye deer. Q. Why are women like condoms? A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man A. Cum in five different flavours.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia? A. The Tooth Fairy Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?They're going to call it FED UP! Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A. The car salesman can probably drive! Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common? A. They're both fun to watch tumble down theSome little trinkets I've enjoyed, many from . What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? What do you say to comfort a grammar Nazi? The past, present and future walk into a bar. You can't please everyone, you are not pizza. I hate Russian dolls, they are so full of themselves. The first time I got my hands on a universal remote, I thought, "This changes everything!". I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - all it was doing was gathering dust.

People say I'm condescending - that means I talk down to people. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if it doesn't fly back, all you have lost is a pigeon. I did not believe that my road worker son was stealing from the company, but when I got home all the signs were there. I don't find Civil War jokes General Lee funny. I used to be in a band called "Missing Cat". Maybe you saw our posters? Say what you want about deaf people... "I give all my dead batteries away - free of charge." "I hate elevators, so I take steps to avoid them." "When will all the rhetorical questions end?" "Okay, so I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending." The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something. Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. Their wedding ceremony wasn't fancy. The reception, however, was excellent. "You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentathol."

Pavlov is sitting in a diner when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, "Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs." Cleaning house with kids around is like brushing your teeth with Oreos. The road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time. Women should not have children after 35. 35 children are enough. i before e ... except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour. What did the Buddha say to the hotdog vendor? "Make me one with everything." After taking his money and giving Buddha his hot dog, the Buddha asks "What about my change?" "Change comes from within" We occasionally stumble over the truth but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. "It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally." Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it. By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors." Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician. If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am. Rene' Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he finishes the glass the bartender asks him if he'd like another. Descartes says, "I think not," and then vanishes. A boy and a man sit on a couch together. The boy says to the man, "Yeah, well, I didn't believe in reincarnation when I was your age either." - Akshat Anand I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. "The difficult thing with quotes on the internet is verifying them" - Abraham Lincoln Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and telling me, "You're next." They stopped when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Why is it called "after dark" when it's really after light? "For the man who has everything... Penicillin." -- F. Borquin Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat with one tail has more tails than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. from T h e T a o O f P r o g r a m m i n g section 4.3. There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't. Sleep is a totally inadequate substitute for caffeine. I got a paper cut while opening a BandAid box. Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce, author and editor (1842-1914)

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips." I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code How do I set a laser printer to stun? I don't recall ever having expressed an interest in kayaking. activity that requires the participants to wear a helmet and a life jacket is plainly something in which I should not be involved. fact, I pretty much avoid all sports which cannot be played while holding a hot dog. "Why do mathematicians think Halloween and Christmas are the same? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec." Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch stduy at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." (I received this in my email box): Jokes about german sausage are the wurst. I wondered why the football was getting bigger - then it hit me. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a rootHe wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon. Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night. "I'm a yankees fan," a first grade teacher explains to her class. "Who likes the Yankees?" Everyone raises a hand except one little girl. "Janie," the teacher says, surprised. "Why didn't you raise your hand?"